Say Something: A Short Film

Written & Directed by Me last summer. Oh, and I’m in it.

Take a look when you have 9 minutes to spare :)

Slightly overweight woman, with a limp cigarette hanging from her mouth, wearing ruby red lipstick, too much eyeliner and something resembling a cape, sweeps into a rehearsal space. She looks as if she must have been attractive in her day and, in fact, it’s hard to tell if her day was 10 years ago or 20. She has the presence of someone who once worked tirelessly at being other people and at doing so to large, packed houses.

She carries, in the crook of one arm, folders and librettos, papers nearly falling out everywhere and a mug of lukewarm black coffee in her hand while the other arm hangs limply at her side.

Upon surveying her students, wearing their uniform of black jazz pants and black shirts, as they practice dance steps, sing in that all-too-familiar modern Broadway over-pronounced, over-aspirated belty yelling sound and overact with scripts in their faces, she says, just audibly and through lips held tightly around her ever-diminishing cigarette,

“God, I hate musical theatre.”

Thoughts?

…that there’s actually some semblance of order to the chaos that is this Tumblr?

If you never visit my actual page and only see me through the feed, mightn’t know that! So, check out the categories below and go for an adventure through my neurosis, beliefs, rants, nerdy impulses and, of course, love.

Acting

Writing

Life

Love

Star Wars

LOST

Poetry

Art

Photography

A little girl in one of the acting classes I teach was attending a Saturday workshop with me and a handful of other actors who are part of the church drama company that I run.

There was a pause in conversation and she asked:

Mrs. Alana? What shows were you in on Broadway?

Thank God crying was my second impulse after laughter and I managed to (using my ACTING, oooh!) keep it at bay. I answered her by saying that I’d never been on Broadway and if I had I wouldn’t be sitting here with her - no offense.

No, I’ve never been in a Broadway show. Looking back, it feels like I graduated from acting school, nabbed a few strange and a few great gigs and then woke up one day, married and living someone else’s life in Canada.

The closest I ever got (besides my showcases in AMDA’s off-off Broadway theatre which, while fun and educational, didn’t get me a single gig) was an Off-Broadway audition.

It was for a show called Fatal Attraction: A Greek Tragedy. A stage adaptation of the film, done in the Greek Tragedy format. So - exactly as the title describes. It starred Corey Feldman. Clearly my performance as one of the Greek Chorus would have been my breakthrough role.

The first round of auditions was fun. I was fresh out of acting school and my classical monologue (which got great feedback in our Mock Audition) was from a Greek play - perfick! They stopped me halfway through and had me do the first few lines of the monologue in different random ways - as a robot, as if I’d just run a marathon, as a teacher. I left feeling pretty good about not only my first professional audition after school but my first Almost-On-Broadway audition!

And for good reason - I was called back. It seemed to go well…..but, obviously, I didn’t get it.  I remember that I was laying on my bed when I got the call from the director, which ended with “but next project we’ll get in touch with you” or something like that. I was a Resident Actor/Intern with The Civic Theatre of Allentown at the time and I asked Bill, the Artistic Director if he thought that was Industry slang for “thanks but you’ll never hear from us again”. And he did.

Now, who should get the part but a fellow AMDA Alumni who’d been in the Studio Program and graduated the same year as me? (Studio Program is just acting, whereas I’d been in the Integrated or Musical Theatre Program) It was very strange to run into her like this. In the hall outside the audition room, she suggested I check out a show she was in and audition for it as well. But I didn’t.

Interestingly enough, I look back on that experience with fondness and not even the least bit of bitterness. I was kind of glad to personally know who got the part and that she was a schoolmate. School pride, I guess.

That’s the closest I’ve gotten to Broadway, little girl. Probably the closest I’ll ever get.

And I think I’m ok with that.

(So long as this film thing works out. Otherwise, I’ll be depressed.)

Ok, well, after just ten minutes of crying and attempting to cry last night, I have the performance bug again.

Not that it ever left.

It’s kind of like a mosquito bite whose itch goes away but the lump is still there and then suddenly it’s itching like mad and you’re making that X in it with your fingernail.

You know.

Anyhow, guess I’ll find some local something or other to get into…

When I write, most of my main characters are me.

Shamelessly, barely-edited me.

Other main characters are Me 2.0 - superheroes, women who say the thing you always want to say but can’t/shouldn’t, etc.

And then sometimes a story comes to me and I just don’t fit as the lead but I feel the story must be told.

So, I make myself the best friend.

(Although, in The Short Film That Will Never Be Edited, I play the main character who is nothing like me but whom I wanted to play because it’s my movie and I’ll play lead if I want to, lead if I want to, lead if I want to.)

I’m not just talking about scripts. I did this with my fiction as well. I say “did” because I haven’t written a short or worked on a novel at all since I started writing film scripts. Haven’t even written a poem. Although, I have been writing a lot of songs lyrics that I’m mostly too afraid to show anyone and will likely be a treasure trove for whomever finds them under a floorboard while doing research for their posthumous biography on me.

Anyway, my point in writing this is that on two occasions - one a novel and one a short film - I’ve come to a complete halt because my Fictional Me needed to grow to a point that Real Me hasn’t yet. I’m sitting there, looking at the evil blinking cursor, trying to figure out what her motivation is or what the moral is or what the friggin’ point is when I haven’t figured that out for myself yet. At least, not exactly.

I’ve made some decisions whose long-term ramifications have not been made clear so I don’t know if they were really “good” or not. And, when it comes down to it, I’m not really sure what I want (or am afraid to admit what it is I want…possibly) and therefor can’t really define what “good” is. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m winning or losing.

My novel is…well, gone. I started it in 2002, I think, during my Fiction Writing Workshop class in college. 2002 or 2003. And now, I have no idea where it is. Seriously - I just searched my computer for it and it’s nowhere to be found. The interesting thing is that Fictional Me is a writer who got fired from a Fashion Magazine for writing a politically-charged article from the wrong side of the fence and who is now trying to figure herself out while freelancing. Her best friend and roommate - they lived in Philly but I think I ended up changing it to NYC after I moved there - still works for said mag and is having the shallow time of her life partying all night and wearing designer shoes.

My short film script stars a Fictional Me who works a temp job to support her “acting career” which consists of rather embarrassing gigs that aren’t actually getting her any closer to her “big break”. She has no friends that we see and is a rather lonely, kind of pathetic but lovable gal who really is trying her best. A close friend’s critique was that there was too much of me in it. But I honestly don’t know how else to write it at this point.

Thankfully, the other two scripts I’m working on at the moment are only Best Friend Me scenarios so they may actually 1. reach a conclusion and 2. be worth a damn.

Having said that, I did have a bit of a breakthrough with the short film Fictional Me. It has to do with Vince Rizzo’s (played by Andy Garcia) Scorsese audition in City Island and Terry Randall’s (Katherine Hepburn) monologue performance breakdown in Stage Door (1937).

Both of which are films about acting that you MUST see.

Well, the past week and a half or so has been quite busy and eventful! I’ve been purposefully neglecting Tumblr like so many discarded socks that I don’t want to round up and wash…

Checking my Tumblr inevitably leads to bunnytrailing around the Internet and I just haven’t had the time. If only I could quit my part-time retail job…

One of the things that’s been keeping me busy is working on alternative sources of income:

1. Website design and maintenance
2. Dog-walking
3. Jewelry Design
4. Personal Stylist
5. Script Writing

So far, only #1 has provided a clear avenue. My father is a computer engineer/developer with many exciting and various accomplishments (integral in spaceship work with Hughes Aircraft; published author and public speaker; game-testing MYST for a company which was MAJOR for me back in the 90s!) and he’s hooking me up with helping to redesign and develop a website, oddly enough, for a company that works through government and military contracts. But that info is above your clearance level!

Meanwhile, in the world of things I have trained for and want to do with my life (although I do enjoy website design and am hoping to do more, just not as a career):

1. Shot a short film that I also wrote, produced, directed and acted in on Sunday, Aug 29th. Many thanks to Chris at Whole Lot-a Gelata in Uptown Waterloo (Go there! Amazing flavors they create and make on site! Plus the paninis and salads are fresh and delicious!) to closing early for us. The shoot was fun and grueling and inspiring and interesting. I do plan to create a website. Just don’t know when….
2. Associate Produced a short film (and did hair & make-up and held a light while standing on a toilet) on Aug 31st for a friend of mine, Kyle Hart, who assisted on my short as well as gave me the “You should do this!” push after reading the script and giving me notes. That shoot was quite grueling as we were in a bathroom filled with candles on a hot day with the windows covered in garbage bags and two or three lights running. Then the outdoor shots were attacked by mosquitoes - so.many.bites. But, all in all, it was tons of fun and it just felt great to be a part of making a movie! Something to remember while I’m hauling dresses from one side of the store to the other after.
3. Editing my short film - Logged all the footage into Final Cut Pro on the 4th, did three passes on the 7th. Everything’s roughed in - my husband, illustrious record producer and engineer that he is and whose studio I’m using (thanks!) - is editing the sound and doing the design. I’m also giving him a pass on editing because it just gets hard to make decisions when you’re staring at your own face and ohmygod I just realized why I had that dream where I saw myself laughing at myself! WHEW! Also, he’s the smartest person I know so it only makes sense. I’m hoping to have it finished and posted in time for some TIFF parties next week. My first pass went rather slowly as I’ve never (really) edited on FCP before and was teaching myself as I went. I know anyone ‘pro’ is thinking, “Wow - I bet that movie’s going to look awesome. Not!” but it SO IS, Jerk! Editing in FCP is very easy, IMO. Not doing anything fancy.
4. I start teaching NEXT WEEK! We have a registration open house tonight where I’m teaching sample classes. And this year I have a teacher under me who I’m responsible for so I have been busy busy with that.
5. I was selected to perform in Julia Loktev’s I CRIED FOR YOU in this year’s Nuit Blanche, coming up in Toronto in October. I am beyond excited about it. My approx. 12 minutes of fame!

Ok - well, once again, I’ve run out of time. (I feel like this but less funny). So I will expound and update more later.

Take care, Tumblrers…

I wrote a script two years ago that went nowhere.

It was written for the express purpose of just getting something done.

There are so many variables in this line of work. (I feel a little like a charlatan talking about ‘this line of work’ since I’m kind of out of the game right now. Which is why I’m doing this.) You’re always dependent on a variety of other people and things coming together in order to do your job - especially for writers and actors.

In some respects, acting isn’t too terribly different from my survival job as a sales associate in the mall. I have a ‘character’ called “Fashion Consultant” that I play, wardrobe that I wear (black on bottom, white or black on top) and lines to deliver in the manner that my character ought to (i.e. personally enthused about being there and talking to you about clothes).

INT. HIGHER END CLOTHING STORE - MIDDAY

FASHION CONSULTANT #3, 27 but looks younger, is pretending to fluff shirts in the front of the store in order to greet people without looking like a rabid wolf on commission. Because she’s not on commission. But she does have sales goals and a whole lot of other numbers she doesn’t care to understand that her new boss insists on meeting with her about at the beginning of her shift.

She is hungry as breaks are running late, again, and she should have had lunch 2 hours ago. CUSTOMER #27, a classy-looking woman in her mid 40s, saunters in.

FASHION CONSULTANT #3: Hi! How are you today?

CUSTOMER #27: Grmph.

Fashion Consultant #3 doesn’t have the strength to push on that one. She moves to a U-bar and starts putting hangers back the way they are supposed to go.

CUSTOMER #28, an Asian woman who looks nice enough, enters.

FASHION CONSULTANT #3: Hello! How are -

CUSTOMER #28 (putting up a hand): No eengrish

Fashion Consultant looks to the cash, trying to see if the consultant who was on break is back yet.

CUSTOMER #28 (holding up a brand new skirt): This fittypercentoff?

FASHION CONSULTANT #3: Uh, no. See, it doesn’t have a sticker.

CUSTOMER #28: Sign say fittypercent!

FASHION CONSULTANT #3: UP TO Fifty Percent. Not everything.

CUSTOMER #28: Oh, ok. Where fittypercent?

FASHION CONSULTANT #3 (with a sigh, speaking deliberately): You see, you’ll have to look for the red…sticker.

CUSTOMER #28: Ok, ok. No eengrish.

Customer #28 walks away, throwing the skirt on a table nowhere near its mates. FC3 notices a happy-looking young White woman enter the store. She’s wearing a shirt from two collections ago - a loyal shopper! She approaches.

FASHION CONSULTANT #3: Hi There! I see you’re wearing one of our shirts!

CUSTOMER #29: Oh, yea. I love the clothes here. They fit me perfectly.

FASHION CONSULTANT #3: Great! Well, you’ll be excited to know that we have some great sales going on and everything in this section is our new collection.

CUSTOMER #29: Perfect!

(I don’t know why so many people respond with “Perfect!” after I tell them our sales. Is it a Canadian thing? An Ontario thing? The people who say that are often the ones who don’t buy so I guess it’s not really perfect, either. Just say - “Ok. Thank you.” No need to get all hyperbolic. Ok - back to the script…)

Feeling happy about a potential sale, Fashion Consultant #3 turns around to find that Mrs. No Eengrish has left a wake of clothing hanging over stands, piles over turned, hangers replaced backwards and clothes on the floor.

She sighs deeply and eyes the door, considering seriously how she might make a break for it.

FADE TO BLACK

And I have people telling me what to do, how to do it and all too little say in the matter. Last rung in the Fashion Food Chain.

What’s glaringly different though is that it takes almost nothing to actually be a sales person and all I have to do to get a job as one is smile and talk about how I love people, meeting sales goals and finishing projects and working as a team member. You’re just kind of jumping into a pool that’s already been filled and heated and primed for you.

(I’d like to put in a clause about having to have a certain skill set but a lot of idiots and unqualified people work in sales. And in the arts. Right? I mean, am I right? LOLZ. Also, notice I said nothing about what it takes to be a ‘good’ salesperson. That does take skill.)

While as an actor, the job descriptions are so specific and so many other things have to be in place in order for you to get the part. The guy they have in mind for the lead can’t be too much taller or shorter than you. They want someone who lives near the shooting locations. They need someone who really looks ‘Black’ not ‘mixed’. Someone actually has to be making a movie or producing a show.

If no one is casting for your type or for a production you can/want to/should be in, then you’re stuck. Always at someone else’s mercy, in a way.

Sometimes that makes it feel kind of impossible - like conception and finding a diamond. We think of these as common occurrences but did you know that only 5% of diamonds that are mined are jewellery grade? The rest are used industrially for cutting and the like. Did you know they have to move over 250 tons of dirt to find a 1ct diamond that can be fashioned into your engagement ring or one of your studs? And conception - there’s only around a 20 - 28% chance of getting pregnant during ovulation IF you and your partner are both healthy.

Diamonds and babies are miracles.

Where was I going with this?

Oh - so, I was tired of reading castings for things I couldn’t get to or didn’t fit. I was tired of seeing people less talented than me and other talented people I know getting all kinds of stuff done. Now, there could be something said about how Anosognosia plays into that but…let’s not, shall we? The fact is, there are people out there doing things and I wasn’t because I let myself feel helpless. (I should say, only in regards to acting in film. I was teaching, taking class, acting and directing in theatre. We’re talking about film here.) I’m also extremely hard on myself and would generally rather do nothing than do something terrible/ly, whereas an anosognosic can’t recognize how horrible the quality is of what they’re doing and they just forge ahead.

So I wrote this under-10-page script. Cast of 3. Essentially one location - inside and outside. Something that could be shot in a night. If you do it right. Something that me and whoever else I wrangled into doing it with me couldn’t make excuses for not doing. “This costs that much. We need this and that. It’s going to take all this time. Blahblahblah”

Now I have the chance. We’re filming at the end of the month. Everything is lining up nicely. Some people who know more than me and are better connected out there in the great big city are involved and have helped me hone the script and will bring their amazing skills to the shoot. It will have at least one killer song on it and I’m hoping to find a photographer to be handy the night of.

I feel so good about this and at the same time I’m a little afraid to feel good about it just yet. Still, I keep swallowing the self-doubt and pushing forwards, reminding myself of who I am and who God made me to be and that I’m at my best when I’m being exactly that person.

Can’t wait to share it!